Dear Boys and Men Who Ogle Our Daughters

Dear Boys and Men Who Ogle Our Daughters,

A teen girl recently asked her mother if boys only like her for her looks. This is your fault.

You see, our daughters ARE beautiful. And you have noticed. And you make damn sure they know that you notice.

Nearly every single time teenage girls go out in public, you accost them with one of the following listed actions—and I have a few things I’d like you to know about how that makes them feel:

* Look them up and down like they’re a buffet table and you are trying to figure out where to start
Guess what, Boys and Men (May I call you BAM?)? In the immortal words of Ms. Janelle Monáe (to whom you really should be listening, BAM), our daughters are not out in public for your “consumption.” They are out in public because they have interests and skills that take them there. They enjoy perusing museums, listening to live music, dancing, running, and feeling the sand on their feet at the beach.

And you are a ridiculous jerk for making them feel like they can’t go put their feet in the sand without being scrutinized. Have you ever felt the sand on your feet? It is the best feeling ever and you are ruining it for our daughters. So STOP!

* Tell them to smile
Guess what? Our daughters are not out in public to make you feel good about yourself. Sometimes they are not smiling because they are thinking about how poverty affects children or which presidential candidate they prefer or a squabble they had with a friend. Sometimes they are not smiling because they are in their heads practicing one of the languages they are learning or focusing on everything they see around them. Sometimes our daughters are not smiling because they are normal human beings and normal human beings don’t smile 100% of the time. And sometimes, BAM, they are not smiling because they see you approaching and are afraid you are going to tell them to smile.

How’s that feel, knowing that the reason our lovely daughters are not smiling is because they’re afraid you are going to pressure them into smiling? Do you feel big? You are ruining smiling for our daughters. So STOP!

* Whistle/Catcall/Moan/Groan
Guess what? Our teenage daughters are not out in public to find a date or sexual encounter. And if they were, do you really think it would be with you? Do you really think that they would date the guy, especially a grown man, who walks by them and moans an Mmmmmmmmm like he’s having an orgasm right then and there on Main Street? They have goals for their lives. They want to do great things and go exciting places and no good plan for the future begins with a total stranger going Mmmmmmmmm on the street

You know what, though? You are causing our daughters to question some of their goals. You are making them wonder if maybe they aren’t more than just a piece of meat. When you reduce their bodies to an Mmmmmmmmm, they wonder if all the hard work they are putting in to be a dancer or runner or basketball player is a waste of time. They wonder if everyone is going to focus on how when they see their bodies, they go Mmmmmmmmm instead of how the strong movement of their body captures a musical phrase perfectly or tells a story with exquisite precision.

They want to do great things and go exciting places and no good plan for the future begins with a total stranger going Mmmmmmmmm on the street

Your disgusting Mmmmmmmmm (and trust me when I say that is IS disgusting) is causing children with their lives in front of them to question their dreams. So STOP!

* Tell them how beautiful/fine/sexy/lovely/gorgeous/hot they are
Guess what? Our daughters don’t care what you think of their looks. They really don’t. Now, you might be thinking that you are only trying to make them feel good. But that is just poppycock, isn’t it, BAM? If you really wanted to make our daughters feel good, you would find a way to lessen the grip poverty has in the world because, as I mentioned, they really really care about people who have to live in poverty. You would buy a ticket to one of their dance shows or sporting events, applaud when everyone else applauds, and then perhaps even offer up a nice compliment if you should see them later. You are very good at XYZ is always nice (The adults in your life should already have taught you that, but I guess I have to teach it to you again).

What you are doing, though, when you ambush our daughters while they are sitting at a cafe with a friend to tell them that they are the most beautiful thing (“Thing”? Really, BAM?) you’ve ever seen is contributing to their rapidly burgeoning belief that all men are creepy, scary, and often a little bit rapey.

Do you really want to be responsible for yet another girl in the world believing that all men are creepy, scary, and often a little bit rapey? No? Then STOP!

Just for you, BAM, just this once, I am going to let you in on when it is appropriate to look our daughters up and down, tell them to smile, whistle/catcall/moan/groan, or tell them what you think of their looks:

NEVER! It’s never okay, BAM.

And I know what you’re thinking: What about if I get to know a teen girl and we become friends, maybe even date? What about then?

My answer is simply this: If you, BAM, are a person who needed to read this letter because you didn’t know this information about how to treat girls and women like our daughters, well, BAM, they’re just not going to be that into you. They respect themselves too much. So move along and make room in their lives for the people who already know not to do all of the above. That’s who is getting the attention of our daughters.

Sincerely,

Every Parent of Daughters

This post was originally published November 3, 2015.