Children are little lawyers. Sometimes I think my own kids could negotiate their way into getting me to jump off a cliff—purely for the entertainment value.
“But, Mamma, I have this hypothesis that…blah blah blah…and Thomas Edison said…blah blah blah…and studies have shown…blah blah blah…so I just need you to consider the importance of…blah blah blah…and jump off that cliff. “
BAM! SPLAT! Mamma out.
Not really. I’d never actually jump, but I would probably think about it. That parental cocktail of wanting to encourage creativity and curiosity in our kids and needing them to shut the frick up for a minute is fairly omnipotent.
I have been inebriated by it more times than I care to admit.
Do not be fooled, though. I have said many a NO to my kids. Though a strong, substantiated argument can force me to re-consider here and there, I deny them all sorts of things. I work hard not to spoil.
But historically, each and every one of those NO’s, the big ones and the little ones, has been followed by an argument that rivals the most DeNiro-esque courtroom scene — one that is oft meant to break me, bend me to their will:
But WHY can’t we go to the pool?
Because I have a doctor’s appointment for my foot in the morning and you have an activity in the afternoon.
But your foot seems so much better and I think swimming would be good for it. Why don’t you cancel your appointment and then we will have lots of time to go before my activity in the afternoon?
NO!
But, Mamma…
Refute. Debate. Repeat.
Ultimately, they accept the NO, but they are not happy about it.
Honestly, just between us parents—by sticking to most of my NOs, I am rebelling against the parenting advice liberally doled out to those of us raising millennials and younger. We were told to eliminate negative words from our parenting vernacular. “Replace them with choices,” everyone said. “And give children clear, logical explanations for why they can’t do something. Finally, try and find the YES in that NO! Because Self-esteem! Empowerment! Let them be children as long as possible!”
So, “We can’t go swimming today” becomes, “After mommy’s doctor’s appointment, we’ll be getting ready for our afternoon activity, so let’s plan to swim tomorrow!” Make sure to smile. Offer a gentle hug. Perhaps throw in a playful, silly twirl to ensure that the wee ones don’t sense any negativity from their mommy. Close with a parenting selfie for social media.
I have been through that rigmarole more times than toddlers change their clothes daily.
My kids are ‘tweens and teens now, though. This means, believe it or not, that they actually require fewer NOs (e.g., not one kid has asked me to hold their boogers in years. That’s one less NO). They are more capable of things like assessing the calendar and understanding their own limitations. Plus, by now they are pretty adept at figuring out when they are most likely to get a big YES (homework finished, chores complete, respectful request, mom not in a mood).
Nonetheless, these ‘tweens and teens who get more YESes than NOs, and who have heard NOs all their lives, still attempt to negotiate every single one of them.
I created that tension by letting the negotiations roll their whole lives. Mea culpa.
Honestly, I went with the best information I could. I do think kids need to question perceived authority. I think they need to learn to clarify their beliefs and where they themselves are willing to bend.
They also need to learn how to accept a NO.
So, guess what? I no longer let them fight the big, guttural NOs. And I don’t always give a logical explanation either. Often times, I will say something like, “No. I can’t explain why I feel the need to say NO. It [whatever it is] just doesn’t feel right to me and you will have to accept that.”
If they begin to argue, I might tell them, “I am listening to my gut on this one. NO means NO.”
Can you see where I am going here?
CONSENT!
That’s right. I say NO to my kids to teach them about sex—sex and other activities that are big fun, but when done unhealthily and without consent, can have even bigger repercussions. (Besides sex, I’m thinking ditching class, drinking, drugs, spontaneous trips to Vegas, etc.—activities that require what I like to call “activity consent”.)
Teenagers are all up in their hormones. When it comes to relationships, intimacy, sex, and other activities that require maturity, teenagers and the adults they will become, need to know a few things:
1. It’s okay to say NO any time you feel like it, even if you have said YES before.
2. NO means NO, and the person saying NO does not owe any explanation.
3. Arguing against a NO, even with love, kindness, concern and good intentions, invalidates consent. It calls into question a person’s NO, which might feel like pressure—and that is not okay.
I am on board with empowering my children. I want them to feel like super heroes. What I don’t want is for them to think that they can argue their way out of a NO when it comes to sexual and activity consent. I don’t want them doing mental work to find the YES in a NO. And I certainly don’t want them weakening their stance when faced with a negotiation or argument against a NO.
Perhaps the most important lesson any of us can teach our teenagers when it comes to the big, scary things about which parents worry is that their choices belong solely to them. They make all the decisions and call all the shots for themselves. Likewise, each person they encounter must also be allowed to own their own choices and call their own shots. And whenever the twain shall meet, consent, the ability to say YES or NO, always beats negotiation.
