Jealousy is dastardly lover. I know. We were together for a long time. We met when I was around 10 or 11 years old. Prior to that, like most children, I could easily forgive and forget. I didn’t hold grudges. I wasn’t even all that jealous of a person. Though I often longed for experiences outside of my own reality, I did not hold any malice towards the people already living the lives I coveted.
It is at this age that girls begin to realize that we are not supposed to be what we are. Mary Pipher, in her book Reviving Ophelia
- “Everything is changing — body shape, hormones, skin, and hair. Calmness is replaced by anxiety…Far below the surface they are struggling with the most basic of human questions: What is my place in the universe, what is my meaning?”
- “American culture has always smacked girls on the head in early adolescence. This is when they move into broader culture that is rife with girl-hurting ‘isms,’ such as sexism, capitalism and lookism, which is the evaluation of a person solely on the basis of appearance.”
- “American girls are expected to distance from parents just at the time when they most need their support.” (pp. 22-23, Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls)
I would add to this list that children in general in North America are consistently placed into competitive roles, further marred by arbitrary evaluation. When babies are born, we compare their weights, how well they sleep, then when they speak and walk and potty train. That my oldest daughter is taller and my youngest daughter is shorter than many of their peers is rarely passed up as a topic of conversation—as if this has anything to do with their contributions to the world.
The most common questions we parents hear regarding our children, usually in front of our children, look like, “So, is your child _______ing yet?” “Is she reading yet?” “Is he riding his bike on two wheels yet?” “Can she multiply double digits yet?” The catch is that our response is always scrutinized. If she isn’t reading yet, there must be some deficiency requiring repair. If she is reading, it is best not to sound too proud, not to brag.
At the core of each of these factors is a self-image that perpetuates jealousy and bitterness. When a girl is pondering her role in her world while being bombarded by messages that tell her what is expected of her, how she is to perform, how she should portray herself publicly, and who she should have as role models and confidants, it is nearly impossible to come out the other end with a feeling of satisfaction. Instead, we are fairly certain that the “others”—for there can only be “others” when we are pegged against one another—have it better than we do.
- Model the self-esteem you hope your daughters will develop. It cannot be overstated just how much our daughters absorb from our own self-images.
- Admit honest mistakes and struggles. Our girls need to see us struggling with real emotions and working through real conflicts. They need to know that we are fallible. Consider this—if we act as though we do not make mistakes (#2) but then also speak poorly of ourselves (#1), our daughters will internalize this contradiction: I am perfect and do not make mistakes (#2), yet I am ugly/fat/stupid (#1).” This leaves a girl with nowhere to go, no goal that is attainable, no self-portrait that is realistic.
- Work through your own bitterness and jealousy. I have learned to dispense of jealousy (usually) by reminding myself that no amount of it is going to change my own situation. Trust me. I have tried. Despite my best efforts, all my jealousy over people who have perfect abs has not once given me perfect abs. Our daughters need to see us showing genuine gratitude for the gifts that other receive.
- Show gratitude for the gifts in your own life. When our daughters know that we appreciate the simple gifts that life has to offer, they too will appreciate their own gifts.
- Laugh at yourself. If we are able to laugh at our own foibles, our daughters will learn to take themselves less seriously as well.
You’ll notice that I did not list any suggestions that attempt to directly conform a girl’s self-esteem. This really isn’t our job. The very heart of self-esteem is that it evolves individually and internally. We can, however, model a more healthy perception of our own self-worth to our daughters in hopes that they will ultimately cling to their relationships with us over their relationships with peer pressure, the media, competitions, and other contradictory messages.
The one suggestion I can confidently make that will positively impact our daughters’ self-esteem is simply this: love them big!
