From a very young age, the second most frequently asked question out of the mouths of my babes, (losing to the odiously relentless “What’s for dinner?”) has been the more tricky “When can I ____?”
When can I use a big kid cup?
When can I sleep in a big kid bed?
When can I use a booster seat?
The best parenting advice I have ever received was simply this: No two children are the same, so parent each child as an individual (Thanks, Emily H.). I try and apply this principle when answering all the “When can I _____?” questions. Though one child might be ready to ditch their sippy cups at 18 months, another might do better to wait until about three. So, rather than put a timeline on each milestone, as most parenting experts do, we discuss parameters.
Therefore,
When can I use a big kid cup? When you can keep your cup upright.
When can I sleep in a big kid bed? When you can sleep without falling out of bed.
When can I use a booster seat? When you have reached the legal age and weight AND you are responsible enough to always stay buckled.
True to that great advice I received, each of my three children achieved those milestones at very different stages in their lives (I’m still waiting on my 11 year old to keep that cup upright when she starts daydreaming, but she uses— and spills—the real glasses anyway).
With that, I thought I’d share some of the bigger answers we have to the ‘tween/teen versions of “When can I______?” Some of these questions can be answered with more parental involvement than others. A parent, for example, has a strong say in when a teen can get a smart phone, but can usually only advise as to when a teen might be ready for sex (unless said child is being supervised 24/7, but please don’t do that to your child). Some of the questions change to reflect that tension. Finally, this is a non-comprehensive, best-case-scenario kind of list. It offers a skeleton that can be useful in opening discussions with your own ‘tweens and teens.
When can I get a smartphone? You can get a smartphone when you have a need to get ahold of adults for safety or convenience reasons, have enough friends with phones with whom you can communicate, and have demonstrated the following strengths:
1. Enough responsibility to care for an expensive device
2. Enough responsibility to not lose an expensive device (I’m talking to you, son.)
3. Strong decision-making skills
4. Strong problem-solving skills
5. Responsible use of the internet
6. An existing ability to communicate without the use of social media and texting (like, you know, via a conversation)
7. Consideration for others
8. A strong understanding of the dangers of owning a smartphone
9. Own up to your mistakes.
10. Discuss the challenges of owning a smartphone with us.
When can I stay home with friends or siblings? You can stay home with friends or siblings (without adults) when you are of the legal age for our state, AND can achieve the following:
1. Alert emergency services in case of an emergency
2. Demonstrate responsible, safe choices (including your choice in friends)
3. Own up to your mistakes (so that we can avoid them in the future)
4. Discuss the challenges of staying home with friends or siblings with us
When can I stay home alone? You can stay home alone when you are of legal age in our state AND can achieve the following:
1. Alert emergency services in case of an emergency
2. Articulate how to react in emergency situations, including role playing if we ask you to (no
matter how silly you feel)
3. Demonstrate responsible, safe choices
4. Own up to your mistakes.
5. Discuss the challenges of staying home alone with us
When can I hang out someplace without adults? You can hang out someplace (park, mall, movies) without adults when you can achieve the following:
1. Alert emergency services in case of an emergency
2. Articulate how to react in emergency situations, including role playing if we ask you to (no
matter how silly you feel)
3. Demonstrate responsible, safe choices (especially politeness)
4. Own up to your mistakes.
5. Discuss the challenges of hanging out somewhere without adults.
6. Coordinate and articulate the details of such a hang-out
When can I drive? You can drive when you are of legal age, have received a driver’s license, and have demonstrated the following:
1. Enough responsibility to follow rules meant to keep you and others safe
2. Enough responsibility to take care of a car
3. Strong decision-making skills
4. Strong problem-solving skills
5. Strong consideration of others
6. That you can put your smartphone aside for long stretches and not be tempted to check it
7. An ability to help pay for expenses
8. A strong understanding of and respect for the dangers of driving a car
9. The ability to own up to your mistakes.
10. The ability to discuss with us the challenges of driving a car
When can I drive with friends in the car? You can drive with friends in the car when you are of legal age, have received a driver’s license, have demonstrated #1-10 for driving (above) and have demonstrated the following:
1. The ability to focus on driving despite distractions
2. The ability and courage to tell your friends what you need in order to stay safe (“I need the radio off.” “I need you to stop showing me pictures on your phone while I am driving.” “I need you to pitch-in for gas.”)
3. The ability to choose safety over pissing off your friends.
When am I ready to date? You can date when you have demonstrated the following:
1. The ability to consistently make healthy choices
2. Honesty
3. The ability to ask for help when necessary
4. The ability to own up to your mistakes.
5. The ability to discuss with trusted adults the challenges of dating
When am I ready to have sex? You are ready to have sex when you have demonstrated #1-5 on dating (above) and have demonstrated the following:
1. A healthy view of sex and sexuality
2. Extensive knowledge of and commitment to safe, healthy, and legal sex
3. The ability to offer and receive consent
4. Knowledge and thoroughly thought out ideas of what to do when sex leads to a challenge (pregnancy, STD, emotional issues, etc.)
5. The resources and ability to handle any challenges that might result from sex (pregnancy, STD, emotional issues, etc.)
When am I ready to drink alcohol or try drugs? You are ready to do these things when you have a fully developed brain (which is usually somewhere between 21 and 25). Sorry, kid. You might disagree, but the fact is that your brain is developing and studies show that using substances like alcohol and drugs are not good for the developing brain. Now, obviously, you might rebel, and we will be there to help if you do—through you should know that we can’t erase any legal matters should they ensue. And you’ll be a legal adult when you are 18 and can legally drink when you are 21. So you’ll be making your own choices. But my final piece of advice to you on your 18th birthday will be this: “Please wait until your brain is fully developed to drink regularly and/or try drugs at all. And please come to us if you do it anyway and need help.”
